Imperfectly So
A reflection on presence
transiently they stand yellow petals an imitation of sunbeams round faces forming seeds compensation for their mortality
I was on my second walk of the day, sunflowers in hand and a scowl on my face, when the realisation hit me: this is part of the practice. Okay, you're probably confused, so let me give you some context. I was having a down day emotionally. I just felt 'out of whack'. You know the feeling: not terrible, just not quite right. It was subtle enough to not debilitate me but explicit enough to gnaw at me. The truth is, I've been doing well lately. Really well. And presence is partly to thank for that. I've learnt to be in the moment and not spend my life in my head playing dramatic scenarios that always end in catastrophe. Even when I do feel a bit down, and worry I'll descend into the dark depths of last year, I remember to remind myself that "feeling down sometimes is normal and part of living a happy life". Today's down felt different though, and presence and positive self talk wasn't making it go away. Based off of my habits I should have been feeling good! I had gone on a long walk, journaled, eaten well, taken my vitamins, and done some stuff on my to-do list. I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was. Eventually I gave up and plopped on my bed and binged Netflix (look, at least I wasn't doomscrolling). When I started getting overheated from my laptop, I decided I needed to do something. Cue the second walk of my day. I didn't plan an exact route, but I decided to pass by the shops and buy some flowers as a pick me up. As I was walking I did my best to anchor myself in the present moment: feel the sun on my neck and firm ground beneath my feet, hear the birds and distant cars, see the flowers and soft clouds, and rest gently in the rise and fall of my breath. When I arrived at the shops, I immediately went for the sunflowers. I chose the second best looking bunch (one of the flowers was missing a few petals) and paid. I left the shops feeling very aware that I had these sunflowers in my hand and that despite their cheerful look they were failing to brighten my mood. I continued walking and was now en route home. As I was approaching my house, sunflowers in hand, I thought to myself "if I'm being present, why am I so miserable?" and then it hit me. This is part of the practice. I had gotten so used to being present and feeling content that I mistook presence for contentment. But presence is a practice. One that can (and should) be done no matter the state of your mind. Presence isn't only there for the good times, it's there for the challenging ones too. I realised I was experiencing so much emotional friction because I was trying to use presence as a way of "fixing" myself instead of as a state of being. And how present was I really if I was beating myself up over how I was feeling? At the moment of my realisation I felt something settle. This moment, bad mood and all, was enough. It was human. And that's ok. When I arrived home I cut the ends of the sunflowers and placed them in a vase. I took my time arranging them and grabbed a branch from the bouganvilia bush in the garden to add to the arrangement. I placed it in my room on an empty space of bookshelf just below the windowsill. Their impermanence serves as a soft reminder to be present; their missing petals are a reminder that one can be imperfectly so.
Thank you for being here and taking the time to read my work. If you saw any typos or grammatical errors, no you didn’t.
Your presence is greatly valued. May you live in the moment💕
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